Dear Friend,
While a "broken heart" is often used metaphorically to describe emotional pain, it's important to remember that emotional distress can have real physical and psychological effects. Here are some steps you can take to provide yourself with supportive care during a traumatic loss:
1. Reach out to loved ones: Share your feelings with friends and family. Talking about your emotions and seeking support from those close to you can provide comfort and understanding.
2. Bearing witness: Try to find the right circle of support. We live in a grief averse culture. People mean well but often don’t know how to support us.
3. Ignore the platitudes: When people suggest you “move on” they simply can’t understand. They want you to feel better and perhaps your grief makes them feel uncomfortable. Let them know what your truth is.
4. Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your feelings. It's okay to grieve, feel sad and get angry. Allow yourself to experience your emotions without judgment.
5. It all Belongs: Lean into your feelings. They don’t need to be controlled or managed. Honor them.
6. Practice self-care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and help you relax, such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises. Make sure you're eating well, getting enough sleep, and staying physically active. Listen to your body.
7. Maintain a routine: Stick to a daily schedule as much as possible. This can help provide structure and stability during times of emotional distress.
8. Creative outlets: Expressing your emotions through creative outlets like writing, art, walking, or music can be therapeutic and help you process your feelings.
9. Set small goals: Achieving small, manageable tasks can boost your self-esteem and provide a sense of accomplishment.
10. Pause and reflect: Our grief is now our love. Allow time for sacred and holy ritual.
11. Time and patience: Time does not heal all wounds. What we do with our time does affect our quality of life after traumatic loss.
12. Finding meaning: Our emotions move. If we don’t push our feelings away, we notice in time that grief and joy can co-exist.
13. Say their name: It’s important to talk about our beloved child. Ask someone you trust if you can share about them. Ask for what you need.
14. Seek professional help: If you find it difficult to cope with your emotions or your emotional distress is affecting your daily life, consider speaking to a mental health professional. Therapy, counseling, or support groups can be beneficial in processing difficult emotions.
Remember that everyone's journey through emotional pain is unique, and it's okay to seek help and support when needed. If you're struggling with intense emotions or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out to a mental health professional or a crisis hotline immediately. You don't have to go through this alone.
Below is a list from some of the cognitive and emotional effects from traumatic grief and loss.
· Numbness
· Disbelief
· Anger
· Distrust
· Loss of hope
· Withdrawal
· Overwork
· Apathy
· Rigidity
· Rumination
· Self-blame, shame and guilt
· Resentment
· Physical pain/headaches
· GI issues
· Loss of appetite/over eating
· Substance abuse
· Cognitive paralysis
· Memory impairment
· Suicidal ideation
As we know this list is but a few of the effects from a shattered heart.
The possibility that I could survive and thrive seemed beyond impossible. I then met Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, who wrote the books Bearing the Unbearable and Grieving is Loving. Her daughter died at birth, and it changed the trajectory of
her life.
I was called to take her Compassionate Bereavement Care Course, at the MISS Foundation, center for Loss & Trauma in AZ, and become a certified peer counselor. I feel called to bear witness and hold space for the unbearable loss of losing a child. It’s a tragic privilege to help others survive and thrive in the face of traumatic grief.
Please email me to set up a free consultation.This is not a loss to navigate alone. Connect with someone who truly understands and deeply cares.
There is a way to survive and thrive. There is a way to post traumatic growth.
With love and compassion,
Jason’s mom
BOOKS I HAVE FOUND HELPFUL
Bearing the Unbearable and Grieving is Loving
Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
The Unspeakable Loss
Nisha Zenoff, Ph.D.
Healing After Loss
Martha Whitmore Hickman
The Wild Edge of Sorrow
Francis Weller
Understanding Your Grief
Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
From Heroin to Hope
Marsha L. Wiggins, Ph.D.
Radical Survivor
Dr. Nancy Saltzman
A Time to Grieve
Carol Staudacher
Shattered- Surviving the Loss of a Child
Gary Roe
Broken Open
Elizabeth Lesser
Finding Meaning
David Kessler
A Grief Observed
C.S. Lewis
Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief
Dennis Klass
Staring at the Sun
Irvin D. Yalom
Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing make us Whole
Susan Cain
Going to Pieces: Without Falling Apart
Dr. Mark Epstein
It’s Ok That You’re Not OK
Megan Devine
A Heart that Works
Rob Delaney
Lost & Found
Kathryn Schultz